At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
