a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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