is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
