I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
