She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
