Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
