Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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