I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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