just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
