I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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