so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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