I'm eating all of the evidence.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
