when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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