forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
