Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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