Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
