have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
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his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
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I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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