The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
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I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
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My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.