tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
