I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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