She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
