Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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