OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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