The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
