My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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