doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
When are your genitals available?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
