hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
