Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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