Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
