I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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