Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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