I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
