I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
