Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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