Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
