I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
