how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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