I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
