Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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