So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
