I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I need to align my fucking chakras
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
