you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
