so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
