just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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