Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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