I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
