her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
