I'm passing your future prison.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
