Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
