Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
