So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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