how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
