You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
