Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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