mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
