Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
