if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
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