I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
