what day is it and did you see me today?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Gay?
German.
Pity.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
