i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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