I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
