It's like a parade of train wrecks.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
