I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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