Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
